


Snow Day

by raidiation



Series: the green bean (cursed coffeeshop au) [2]
Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Cursed, Frappucinos, Hot Chocolate, MCR, Marvel - Freeform, chaotic - Freeform, coffee shop AU, crocs with heels, garfield - Freeform, it's like a shitpost fr, kazoos, live action sonic, long furby, no powers, surreal memes - Freeform, the author knows nothing about real coffee or snow but do you see that stopping them? no, why do people let me do this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-10
Updated: 2019-05-26
Packaged: 2020-02-29 08:22:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,661
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18774859
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/raidiation/pseuds/raidiation
Summary: Steve gets stuck at his wack-ass job and he can feel the chaos in the air. As it turns out, getting snowed into a coffee shop with Tony and Clint and a few of their stranger customers is even worse than he'd thought it would be.If he thought he'd be able to get through the day without seeing things that he could never unsee, he was a fool.





	1. the beginning of the end

**Author's Note:**

> alright. so. let's get down to business (to defeat the huns)  
> we'll have multiple chapters for this one. this first part is short, but it's there, right?  
> this part is all well and fun but it gets REAL cursed later
> 
> there's a previous part that establishes the setting (if you can even call it that) of this au. think coffee shop au, but cursed.
> 
> to be clear, i'm from socal, i know nothing about snow or coffee, but you know what? i am a god. i control this world. all must bow to me or suffer. i control snow and also physics so fuck the rules

There were few things in life that Steve Rogers hated more than the cold. Sure, he was a big guy. A bona-fide dorito of a man. That in no way meant that he was immune to the cold, and even if he could stand it, that didn’t mean that he had to like it. He was never as happy to voluntarily enter the Green Bean as when he was coming in out of the cold.

Today, he let out an audible sigh of relief as he stepped in out of the snow. He and Natasha had the first shift today. It was too fucking early to be dealing with the cold.

“Kinda chilly out there, don’t you think?” Natasha, wearing a thin sweatshirt and the shortest shorts that Steve had seen all winter, manned the register. She looked surprisingly chipper.

Steve grumbled an unhappy response and made his way into the back room to get his apron.

The first customer to come in was the college kid, Thor, and his weird friend? Cousin? Roommate? Steve still genuinely had no idea. Thor, with cheeks red from the snow and a smile that exuded warmth and determination, asked for a caramel macchiato. Loki looked Steve right in his baby-blues and asked for an iced coffee, black. Steve couldn’t see a single shred of humanity in his eyes.

The next customers arrived by the time the college kids had sat down. This time, it was a girl in a red sweatshirt and a guy who looked like Draco Malfoy, if Draco Malfoy had let his roots grow out and been a fuckboy. Snow fell outside. The girl attempted to shake the white powder out of her hair, but only managed to get it all over the floor as well.

“That’d be a lot more fun to clean up if it was cocaine,” said Clint, and Steve almost had a fucking heart attack. He hadn’t seen him come in. He could swear, sometimes, that the dude crawled in through the vents.

The girl ordered a strawberry frappucino, despite the cold, and gave the name Wanda. Clint took over the register (by force, actually—he seemed to want a chance to glare at the dude) for Draco Malfoy’s order, so Steve didn’t know exactly what he’d gotten, but he found himself concerned for the kid’s health as he made the drink. That had to be too much caffeine for a normal person to stand. He tried to ignore it as he finished Wanda’s drink. He liked attempting perfect whipped cream spirals on frappucinos. He did the same thing when he baked with cupcake frosting; it was some feeble attempt at artistic expression.

Tony arrived next, talking with the kid who’d lost his backpack a few weeks ago. Steve thought for a moment that they looked like a nice father-son duo.

“What’s up, Tony?” he asked, as they approached the counter. “You’re not on shift.”

“Neither is Clint.” Tony nodded at the man at the register, who mock-saluted. “I’m just here to get a hot chocolate for the kid.”

As Clint rang up the order, Natasha looked out at the window. “Huh. Looks like it’s piling up out there.”

As if on cue, Bruce stumbled in, sending a wave of cold through the room.

“Hey, guys,” he greeted them, sounding slightly out of breath. “I think we’re going to have to close down for the day, if this snow keeps up.” He glanced at the customers. “Why don’t you guys head out? I’ll stay back and close up once they’re all done.”

Steve frowned. “I can close up. I don’t mind.”

“I don’t have a ride home,” Clint put in. “I was hoping I could get one from Nat?”

Natasha didn’t seem particularly enthused by this idea. “In that case, I’m definitely not going home. I’ll stay back.”

When Bruce looked to Tony for his vote, he raised his hands in mock-surrender. “I’m here with the kid.”

The kid in question gave a small wave and a million-watt smile. “Hi! I’m Peter.”

“Well, in that case,” Bruce said, immediately giving up on the idea of getting anyone to leave before him. He went into the back room.

The snow didn’t let up. By the time that Loki had finished his drink (which Steve saw as sufficient evidence to prove that hell was, indeed, frozen over) the snow had actually piled up high enough that the door was completely blocked up.

“Well, fuck,” Clint said, looking at the absolute fucking monster of a snow drift through the window.

“Language,” Steve muttered, remembering the kid with Tony. This whole thing was physically impossible. Some cruel god, he thought. Must have been.

“It seems we’re stuck,” Natasha pointed out, all nonchalance. Loki made a face of haughty distaste that made Steve want to deck him for the sake of the proletariat.

“We’re what?” Appearing from the back room, Bruce looked stressed already.

“I wouldn’t worry,” Clint reassured him. “Snow plow should come by soon, or something like that, right?”

Bruce looked more confused than reassured. Clint shrugged.

“Jesus Christ.” Steve leaned his elbows on the counter and dropped his face into his hands. He could have gotten snowed in anywhere. Absolutely anywhere. And it had to be this wack-ass coffee shop with the weird-ass bean name. He didn’t have any control, however. All he could do was watch the time until he was free.

**15 minutes**

“This is like the setup to a bad fanfiction,” Peter said, from the corner table where he sat with Tony.

“What is a fanfiction?” Thor asked, turning to the kid with genuine question in his eyes. Everyone in the Green Bean casually (or not so casually, as Wanda turned bright red and quickly turned her entire chair toward her companion) turned away, leaving the kid to deal with that question on his own. Tony looked guilty for doing so. Natasha, the madwoman, leaned over the counter to hear the explanation, looking somewhat amused.

Peter looked caught off-guard. “Well—uh—y’know—” he had to collect his thoughts for a moment before he could answer, clearly somewhat confused that the college student didn’t know what fanfiction was. “It’s when people write stories? I guess? About stories that already exist? Like T.V. shows.”

Thor didn’t look enlightened or anything, but he nodded nonetheless. “I see. And the snow… it is a popular feature in these fan fictions?”

“Well, yeah,” Peter said, somewhat reticent. “The whole snowed-in thing, anyway.”

“What purpose would it serve for characters to be snowed in?”

Wanda choked on her frappucino. Draco Malfoy gave a quick snort of a laugh.

Peter flushed slightly and coughed. “Uh. People just like snow. I guess.”

**25 minutes**

With nothing else to do besides talk with the people in the coffee shop (a fate that Steve was utterly determined to avoid), Steve pulled out his phone to text Bucky. His friend was overseas, currently, somewhere in Europe. He wasn’t entirely sure that he’d answer, but he sent an “SOS” all the same.

Bucky responded surprisingly quickly.

_what’s up?_

_Snowed in at my wack job,_ Steve told him. _Suffering. Send help._

_oof_

_I appreciate your kind words of support,_ Steve replied, hoping that the dry tone in his head got across in the text.

_you got this, stevie.  
u can have a pic of my new pet if it’ll make u feel better_

_Yes please._ Steve expected a picture of a dog, if not a cat. Something fluffy, laid back. That was Bucky’s speed. What he did not expect? A picture of a rabid motherfucking raccoon.

It even had a little outfit. Jesus Christ.

_?!?!?!_

_?,_ Bucky replied, as if he was clueless to the situation.

_That’s a raccoon._

_yes?_

_In your home._

_i named him rocket. pretty sure he commits tax fraud_

_I thought I could trust you_

_that was an awfully bold assumption_

_Jerk this is v rude._

_thought you’d support me_

_Not when you’re bringing raccoons into your damn house_

Steve could almost feel Bucky laughing through the screen. _i thought we said ‘end of the line’. are u really gonna leave me out to dry like this_

_On second thought, I’d probably better save my battery. Don’t know how long I’ll be stuck here. You should go to sleep_

_ur a punk._  
_and i can’t, i’m scared that rocet’s gonna start building machine guns if i leave him alone_  
 _*rocket’s_  
steve? u there?  
come on, stevie, don’t be like that  
y’know i bet you’d learn to love rocket if you got to know him instead of judging him based off of his looks

Steve refused to look at his phone again, even when it kept buzzing. It was a matter of principle.


	2. steve slowly goes insane

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If Steve thought that he would make it through all of this without seeing things he would never be able to unsee, he was a fool.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> whoops i made the second part

**_40 minutes_ **

“Okay. Idea—” Tony lay on his back on a table, gesturing above him as if drawing his idea in the air. “Two in one shampoo and toothpaste.”

“What the fuck,” Steve said, without even blinking.

“What would the flavor be?” Christ. Steve sent a withering look over at Draco Malfoy (whose name he still hadn’t caught) for encouraging Tony like that.

Tony paused for a moment. When he spoke, his tone was that of an enlightened man. “Beans.”

Bruce looked visibly upset. Steve let his head drop onto the counter.

**_45 minutes_ **

Quiet had settled over the coffee shop for a few minutes. Steve had taken refuge behind the counter, leaning up against it with his back to the chaotic beings he was snowed in with. To keep himself occupied, he doodled on napkins with the sharpie they used to put names on cups. He was currently doing his best to draw Bucky from memory. Best to have something to remember him by when he got shanked by his new pet raccoon.

The silence was broken by the trilling sound of a kazoo.

If there was one thing that Steve hadn’t expected to hear that day (besides the news of Bucky’s new pet or the awful, awful idea of 2 in 1 shampoo and toothpaste) it was a gentle, crooning kazoo rendition of Clair de Lune. He glanced back over the counter to see Peter leaning back against the window, arms crossed, kazoo in his mouth, looking about as peaceful as a man could be. Wanda and Draco Malfoy sat near him, listening as if in awe. Steve shook his head. Teenagers these days.

He could have sworn that he heard Tony mutter, “That’s my boy,” under his breath.

**_52 minutes_ **

Peter still hummed away at the kazoo, but it had become softer now, like strange background music. Steve hadn’t had to think about Darude Sandstorm for years now, but after today? He’d never get the sound of it on kazoo out of his head. He made a mental note to tell Bucky about it later. When he wasn’t letting rabid animals into his home.

“So.” Draco Malfoy spoke up. Steve couldn’t quite place his accent. “How about that new Sonic movie, huh?”

Loki made a disgusted noise. “That creature should have stayed in the minds of the tortured where it belonged.”

“Well, it has a certain charm, don’t you think?” Thor, bright as ever, spoke up in its defense.

Steve had seen the trailers. He had no intention of even thinking about the Sonic movie. He went back to drawing Bucky’s face on a napkin and tuning out the chatter behind him.

“Whatcha drawin’ there, Steve?” Tony poked his head over the counter to where Steve sat.

Steve pulled the napkin closer to himself on instinct before showing Tony. “Just my idiot friend.”

“You seem to have a lot of those,” Natasha said, attention on her phone. Tony looked up to glare at her, but she grinned at her phone and didn’t bother looking up at him.

**_60 minutes_ **

Steve was just about ready to give up on life.

“I’m _telling_ you,” Peter was saying emphatically, “high heeled crocs are the only meme shoes that matter. Garfield slippers have literally nothing on them.”

Draco Malfoy scoffed. “You don’t know what you’re saying.”

“You are a fool,” Loki said, and Steve could practically hear the haughty look on his face. “Crocs are one thing on their own. High heeled crocs contain both the meme of the shoes and the elegance of high heels, and are far superior to any outdated meme slippers.”

Thor laughed. “Brother. Let them have their fun.”

Brother? That was wack. Steve really wouldn’t have pegged Loki as Thor’s brother. Maybe his goth drama-kid cousin. Well, that was one mystery solved.

“Wanda,” Draco Malfoy said, turning to the girl in the red sweatshirt. “What do you think. Garfield slippers, no?”

Wanda winced apologetically. “I am sorry, Pietro, but I have to agree with Peter.”

Draco Malfoy—Pietro—made a noise of frustration.

**_67 minutes_ **

Clint was the first to break the silence that had settled after the short argument. “What happens if we die in here?”

“Jesus Christ, Barton,” Tony said, casting a worried glance over at Peter. The kid didn’t seem too worried.

“I can’t die yet.” His voice was calm. “I haven’t finished my spanish lessons yet. Duo would never let me die so easily.”

Steve heard Bruce mutter an exasperated, “Teenagers,” under his breath before retreating to the back room once more.

**_70 minutes_ **

“Young Peter—” God, Thor talked strangely—”Have you seen the furbies of late? The long ones?”

Peter perked up immediately, as did Pietro. “‘Course, Mr. Thor.”

Steve let out a sigh. He was going to regret saying this. “What’s a ‘long furby’?”

“Just what it sounds like, old man,” Pietro said, sounding somewhat smug.

“I’m twenty-seven.”

Peter had taken to his phone to find something, and he finished his job quickly. “It’s great! Check it out, Mr. Rogers!”

Steve didn’t remember telling the kid his last name, but there were more pressing matters at hand (like remembering to strangle Tony for singing “it’s a beautiful day in the neighborhood” and then snickering about getting Steve a sweater). He leaned over the counter to see what Peter had on his phone. He grimaced when he saw it. “What is that supposed to be?”

“Well, it’s a furby, Mr. Rogers,” (cue more snickering from Tony), “But long.”

Steve let out another defeated sigh. He couldn’t take this anymore.

**_73 minutes_ **

Steve opened his phone to several new messages.

 _why would you leave me like this_   
_i thought we were friends, stevie_   
_to the end of the line_   
_my heart is ripped to pieces_

He took a deep breath before answering.

_Okay. I lied. My battery is fine._

He received a string of celebratory emojis soon after.

_knew you’d come back. we’re ride or die, punk_

_Yeah, whatever. Did you know about long furbies_

_yeah, course. what kind of memelord would i be if i didn’t know about the impending gods of this world_

_Weren’t you raised christian_ _  
_ _“No gods before me”_

_don’t tell mom, she’d flip_

_She’d flip if she knew that you had a raccoon in your house, you idiot._

_yeah, probably best to keep that hush-hush, huh?_

_I have her phone number. What are you willing to do to stop me from sending that picture you took_

_you wouldn’t._   
_steve._   
_stevie._   
_c’mon man don’t be like this_   
_i’ll bring you back new pens when i get home_

_Acceptable._

_how do people still think you’re nice_

_It’s beyond me_

“Who’re you texting there, Steve-O?” Tony looked over his shoulder, and Steve jerked his phone away from his gaze. “A girlfriend?” He did that thing with his eyebrows, and Steve was just about ready to punch him in the face.

“My idiot friend,” he replied. Tony didn’t seem quite satisfied with that. “He’s a sniper. I’m begging him to take me out now so I don’t have to listen to you anymore.”

-

Steve managed to make it home that night, against all the odds.

He had nightmares about long furbies in high heeled crocs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so that's the end. if you have anything else you want me to write for this accursed au then feel free, i love to watch steve suffer.  
> in case you were wondering, which you weren't, i listened to:  
> \- tainted love  
> \- y.m.c.a.  
> \- rasputin  
> while writing this. just to get all the chaotic energy that i could. hope you minimally enjoyed it

**Author's Note:**

> it's short, but it's there. hope you liked it! more to come soon, featuring but not limited to:  
> \- long furby  
> \- live action sonic  
> \- kazoos
> 
> keep an eye out if you want to see more, i guess. leave a comment if you've got more cursed content to torment steve with *finger guns*


End file.
